Front Row:
Without a doubt the
manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can
and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the
scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't
even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide
because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to
suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I
prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."
Locks:
Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As
with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep
near this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of
large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer
points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the
tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a
little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of
their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of
themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just
dumb.
Back Row:
These are fine, fit fellows who, like a
bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life
should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are
those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come
with being a Back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the
ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive
of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally,
these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward
who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.
Scrum Half:
Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself
tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost
always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the
hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards
because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the
backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of
another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest
numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.
Fly Half:
His primary role is the leader of the backs - a
dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are
ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for
opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of
the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually
light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I
find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on
purpose.
Centers:
Usually come in two varieties: hard
chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will
announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The
flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid
contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away
from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his
inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care
products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game
festivities.
Back 3:
While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I
swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping
bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay
clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys
sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies
are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have
a saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot
after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine
sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar.
On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are
purty to look at.
